Wierd News

 

 

Sniff sniff

And to start off : A lamp post was seen crying today. It is believed it was crying because it lost a game of hide and seek. Apparantly lampposts do not like to hide. They prefer to seek.

 

A computer lab went online today. And the guys who took it online have been reported to have hit it off.

 

An elephant has been banned from a South Bombay swimming club. Apparently he kept insisting he had swimming trunk on.

 

A man with three wives , who had been ordered by the High court to leave the country, has now been asked to stay. The reason being his wives having already left the country.

 

A lion with four legs has been asked to do two weeks of community service.

 

Twenty seven cars ran over a man last night. Sources say , the man”had it coming” for his facebook status read “interested in married women”

 

Fifteen angry girls are marching up a hill , as we deliver this news to you. Hopefully by the time  we finish , we will know what they were angry about.

 

Nine businessmen were sentenced to serving coffee to their wives every morning. The reason is unknown , and the wives don’t want to find out.

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Bad Parents

A family (Mother-named Mary , father goes nameless , daughter named Pippa and son, Gino) is sitting around a table.

Dad : Pippa , I know you got your exams tomorrow but there’s something more important than that darn exam that I have to discuss .. so just hear it out.

Mom : Oh honey I had never imagined our boy would do something like this. (starts crying)

Dad : hold on hold on , its nothing that I cant fix. Now Gino , I want you to take full responsibility of your actions and like a man , I want you to admit what you have done.

Pippa : dad can we do this later …

Dad : no  , this has to be done now

Gino : dad Mrs. Teterboro is a liar. I don’t know what she’s told you but just trust me dad , none of it is true.

Dad : Gino , do not question my intelligence

Pippa : jeeez Dad !

Dad : shut up Pippa. Mary give me that box

Mary slides the box towards him

Dad opens the box and takes out a bar? of lipstick and hands it to Gino

Dad : Gino , you know what this means , it’s a family tradition. Do it. You have done something terribly wrong now you will have to put that damn lipstick on your face

Gino : dad I swear I’m not lying

Dad : then confess , young man ..

Gino : this is crazy I haven’t done anything. That miserable old fucking woman I’m gonna …

Dad : mind the language boy ..

Pippa : come on dad this is crazy , I don’t know what it is that he’s done and I don’t want to hear about it over again . I have an exam tomorrow for crying out loud !

Dad : you shut up girl.  This wont take long…..Gino do it , you have lied and now you will have to do it

Gino : Dad I swear I did not ..

Mom (crying) : I never thought ..oh he’s ..

Pippa : I lost my virginity last night

Dad : WHAT !

Mom stops crying and takes the lipstick from Gino’s hands and smears it on Pippa’s face

Gino : I told Mrs. Teterborough that Mr.Teterborough died in an accident

Dad : What the hell  ..

Gino takes the lipstick and applies it on his lips

Pippa : I lied , I didn’t lose my virginity last night , I lost it last year. And it was …it was Uncle Hary

Mom : Holyyyyyy honeyyyyy (crying)

Pippa takes the lipstick and applies it on her forehead

Gino : I call the sex hotline from your phone every night dad

Dad : Oh you miserable ..

Gino takes the lipstick and applies it some more

Pippa : When you two had gone to aunt Christie’s I had invited everyone from college and guess what I had sex on your bed

Dad : I swear mary If I hear any more of this I’m going to bang my head on the wall

Mom : No ! Honey we have talked about it. Remember what you told the therapist ..

Dad : yeah yeah

Mom : Remember you told him you would never bang your head on the walls of our new house ? Honey we had such a hard time repainting the walls of the old house..

Dad : yes Mary yes ! holy Christ give me a break ! My two children are speaking of absolutely abominable stuff they’ve done and you want me to just sit here ? looking like a fool ?

Mom : Oh god

Dad gets up and and starts walking towards the nearest wall

Mom : Look what you’ve done you two children of the devil !

Pippa : yes , that’s right mother , and there’s more.. I steal money from your purse whenever you’re on the phone

Mom  holds her head and is controlling her anger or whatever it is. She’s angry , wants to cry, wants to throw up. Everything is happening to her

Gino : Mom I also steal money from you

Pippa : Yes he does and guess what we do with the money he steals

Gino : we smoke pot

We hear dad yelling oh God nooooo !

Gino and Pippa by now have applied lipstick all over their faces.

The mind of a Samurai

Samurai Says :

In the living room a couple is sitting watching TV when suddenly the man gets up

Man : Friends , sisters , brothers , uncles , aunts and my fellow sri lankans. It is with a heavy heart that I have to declare this : I am leaving this life to  become a Samurai. In the next three to four minutes I am going to decide what my Japanese name will be.

Woman :  HOney , who are you talking to. There are no sri lankans here.

Man (continuing) :  Chao Whun Mao. That’s my name.

Woman : well I could have suggested some names ..

Man : First of all , suggesting names is illegal in Japan

Woman : But we’re not in Japan , babe , we’re in Madurai.

Man : now before you do it. Before you say my name , there are some simple rules that I want you to learn and never forget

Rule number 1 : always always bow down when you say the name of a samurai.  Some people may even go as far as to bow down when they think of a samurai name. I leave it upto you.

Rule number 2 : After you say the name of a samurai , you are not allowed to breathe until the samurai responds to you

Rule number 3 : wear traditional Japanese clothes whenever you want to say the name of a samurai

Rule number 4 : Do not ever dare to look into the eyes of a samurai because that will lead to certain vasectomy or tubectomy as the case may be.

Woman : well thank you , so if someone wants to get themselves sterilized all they have to do is look a samurai in the eyes.

Man : Let me inform you my fellow Pakistanis

Woman looks around …

Man continues : Let me inform you that my wife here , Chung Ding Pao , is the first Indian who was born in Tin Dung Meh , went to school in Ji Lung Sha, went to party in De Jung Pei , got a hangover in Din Shuk Jei and finally became a Samurai in 1974.

Woman : Oh !

Man : After living in the forest for almost.. three hundred years , my wife became an expert Hunter-Gatherer. She had the skills to hunt down and kill a deer in less than 23 seconds. Some forest people have reported that she had the speed of three dozen cheetahs and the agility of nine Russian gymnasts. Also she had the knowledge of Five hundred University Professors.

 It is during her time in the forests that she was drawn towards the majestic world of Japanse Samurai. She was invited by the masters of Japanese culture to speak on some important issues.

Please , Chung Ding Pao, tell us what went down in this meeting.

Wife : Well said , Chow Whun Mao . Well we had this meeting some two hundred and fifty four years ago to discuss about what to wear while Sumo Wrestling.This meeting lasted two years after which we came to a definite conclusion.

Man : Thank you Chung Ding Pao I remember seeing the documentary about this meeting on the History Channel…

Woman : Chow , would you like to sit down here and tell me about your adventures in the South China sea ?